Euro 24: Goodbye underdogs, farewell Italy, and please stop crying, Ronny

There’s a familiar look at the quarter-final lineup for Euro 24 this coming Friday and Saturday.

Surprises in the round of 16 were in the main either snuffed at the death, or fell victim to vicious VAR calls. Denmark went out to Germany on the back of two borderline criminal micro-judgments — one for a preposterous offside by a toenail (no goal for Denmark), and one for a handball so slight it could only be picked up by a finely honed micro- chip (a ludicruely unfair penalty for Germany).

Shame, shame and shame again on our sport for letting major games be decided this way.

It all feels a little bit like the latter stages of the Champions League. That is, it’s all something of a fix. Not a provable fix, as such, the system’s just stacked a certain way. So, it’s time for patronizing farewell speeches from UEFA to the smaller nations (plus Italy) to make the effort to come. Thanks for all your fans’ money too, we know those tickets weren’t cheap! Now, cheerio, and let the big boys crack on with deciding who gets the silverware and the cash premiums.

Well done, underdogs. There was a clutch of unexpected nations in the knockout rounds, and two of them almost went the distance. Slovakia must still be wondering how they ended up losing to an England team that yet again failed to spark until the last possible second. Jude Bellingham‘s overhead kick deep into stoppage time to level the scores at 1-1 was sufficient, it could be argued, to blot out the tepid, moribund performance that preceded it. England’s only other shot on target came a few minutes later at the start of overtime, but Harry Kane‘s close-range header was enough. How was it enough, when it was so little? Could this team somehow blunder its way to the title without playing any soccer at all? I suppose that would have to count as some kind of achievement.

Slovenia pushed Portugal over 120 minutes, and even had a chance to snatch victory through Benjamin Sesko five minutes before the end of overtime. Diogo Costa saved brilliantly to bail out his 41-year-old teammate Pepewhose slip had led to Sesko’s one-on-one. It was Costa who then went on to thwart all three Slovenian penalties in the shootout. They weren’t bad spot-kicks, but they weren’t brilliant either, or was it just that Costa made it look like he saves 50 of them before breakfast, every single morning?

And finally Georgia gave it a go against Spain and delighted the continent by even taking the lead, thanks to an own goal by Robin Le Normandbefore capitulating to rampant class. “At last, a Frenchman scored in open play!” a frustrated fan of Blues texted me (LeNormand has both Spanish and French citizenship). And that was before the French had even played against Belgium …

Quality doesn’t mean goals. So France played Belgium in what should have been the game of the round, but neither side got going. It seemed appropriate that an own goal won the game (France’s tally: three goals in four games — one penalty kick, two own goals), though French coach Didier Deschamps obviously studied my last column and brought on striker Randal Kolo-Muani for the final half hour. The Parisian striker injected some life into the French attack, and it was his scuffed shot, albeit via a deflection off veteran Belgian central defender Jan Vertonghenthat won the game. Like England, France is now in the last eight having barely cranked into third gear. So many big teams looked like they’d rather be on the beach. Which brings us to …

Italy. What’s wrong with them? Why don’t they seem to care? Why did they put up no resistance to a Swiss team that has its strengths, but couldn’t even beat Scotland? Italian tournament teams were always known for their defensive virtues, and their refusal to yield a single blade of grass to the opposition. They fought for results as they were defending their mother’s virtue. True, we cheered when they lost, but we loved to watch them for their charismatic gamesmanship, their penchant for high drama, and their occasional flashes of sporting genius that almost won you over, because … Italy. Where are the central defenders who chewed on nails for 90 minutes? Where is the impossibly handsome and enigmatic midfielder who turns the game? Where is the team we loved to hate? How does it feel to know that now, we only feel sorry for you?

Tears and fake humility. If we can lament the decline of Old Italy, we can also raise a glass to the failures of Aging Cristiano Ronaldo. No one can envy the position of Portugal coach Roberto Martinezwho must spend hours on the touchline agonizing about whether or not to sub out the preening, diving, sobbing No. 7. Tactically, it’s a no-brainer. Ronaldo squanders free kicks like they’re cheap supermarket giveaways, and never seems to be in the right position to score any more — slower both in thought and movement. And yet, if you sub him out, The Soccer World will scream, and worse still, Cristiano will holler and wave his arms and kick over the subs’ bench. He might cry too, especially if he just missed a penalty. Did we laugh from our budget seats on the sofa? I’m not saying. But it was a very entertaining 0-0 draw.

Scottish hope. Wait, is there still Scottish hope? Don’t you mean Scottish hangover? Wrong! Scotland is hoping for a Germany vs. Switzerland re-match in the final. Then we can say, “Look how strong our group was — we were up against the two best teams in Europe! That means we’re the third best team! OK, fourth best after Hungary. Perhaps.”

Quarterfinals:
Germany-Spain (Friday, July 5, noon ET)
Officially known as “the final already,” which is not far wrong when you look at the patchy shape of the rest of the field. If you’re going to lose to one team right now as the host nation, it should be Spain. Watch out for Nico Williams tormenting Joshua Kimmich. Nevertheless, I’m tipping an even contest — 1-1, after overtime, Spain to win on PKs.

France-Portugal (Friday, July 5, 3pm ET)
I really hope I’m wrong, but this will be tight and terrible. France will edge it 1-0 on a controversial call, and Portugal will begin to unravel as their exit approaches. They always do. Pepe’s career will end with a red card. One of their players may cry.

Switzerland-England (Saturday, July 6, noon ET)
Do we really have to watch England again? Perhaps they will be inspired by a long-awaited change of government on July 4 and morph into a living, moving entity. Gold Gareth Southgate will continue to frown at any one of his players who crosses the halfway line at more than half pace. 0-0. England wins on PKs, I’m afraid.

Netherlands-Turkey (Saturday, July 6, 3pm ET)
Turkey is being touted as the surprise team, but it’s not really, given the size of its country and the quality of some of its players (19-year-old Arda Güler of Real Madrid is kinetic poetry). True, beating Austria 2-1 in the round of 16’s liveliest game just a couple of months after losing to them 6-1 can count as a shock, but Turkey reached the semi-final once before (2008). The Dutch, though, may be hitting their stride, and walloped Romania thanks to a five-star performance from Liverpool’s Cody Gakpo. 4-2 for the Netherlands.

Note: The cliché is that soccer brings people together. During Denmark-Germany on Saturday night, our neighbors knocked us up at 10:30 pm. Were we being too loud? No, not at all, they said. But they had no TV and were watching the game on the internet and were about five minutes behind and could hear us emoting through the wall, which was a bit of a spoiler. Could they possibly come by and watch ‘live’? We enjoyed the rest of the game together, and got to know our neighbors better too. Cheers!