Comedy Writer Gary Janetti Explains How to Save Money on Luxury Hotels

I’m going to share a little tip with you, something I used to do when I was traveling on a budget but wanted to stay somewhere fabulous. As an example, I’m going to use a trip I took to Hawaii while working as a bellhop at the Paramount Hotel in New York. I was dating someone at the time (okay, maybe I lived with this person. Who remembers? Everything is a blur before Brad), and we decided to go to Hawaii. (This person will now disappear from the essay.)

I wasn’t good at making money back then, but I was good at spending it. My livelihood depended entirely on the generosity of strangers. (I once got a two-hundred-dollar tip, and everything I spent for the next few weeks I attributed to that found money. Dinners, clothes, a plane ticket, anything I wanted. That tip probably cost me several thousand dollars.) I didn’t have a lot of extra money lying around. (In fact, I was in debt—I was in debt. zero (I had extra money.) And the little I had saved, I used to travel. (I had saved nothing, each trip pushing me deeper into debt.)

Like all gay men, I wanted to stay in hotels I couldn’t afford. Places I’d only seen in the glossy pages of a magazine. (I miss magazines. I know they still exist, but not really.) Condé Nast Traveler It was my bible, and I mentally planned every trip as if I were a Rockefeller or a Getty. Hotel du Cap, Cipriani, Claridge’s… I was going to stay at all of them. In my head, at least. But I eventually found a workaround to travel without… well, without money.

First of all, find a cheap but not disgusting place to stay. I found it best not to book anything until you arrive at your destination. I know this may sound scary to most of you, but trust me, it can work in your favor.

On this particular trip to Hawaii (with the aforementioned anonymous person I was sort of living with), I stayed in a bed and breakfast of sorts. And by “type of” bed and breakfast, I mean a bed and breakfast. I generally avoided bed and breakfasts like the plague. (Even back then, when I had nothing but debt and a dream, I was disgusted. Eating breakfast with strangers is perhaps the worst travel concept ever conceived.) But this one was lovely, with beautiful grounds and ocean views, for a fraction of what you’d pay at a real hotel. I’d read about it in a guidebook (before the internet, I researched travel like Woodward and Bernstein by reading about Watergate).

I went to see it in person, without booking in advance, to make sure it was as described. (Back then, you couldn’t look at pictures online; you had to imagine things, as in your head.) Yes, I took a chance that it was sold out, but things weren’t exactly sold out before Instagram. You could always find something, and with the receptionist standing in front of you, prices were usually a little more flexible. I usually asked to see all the available rooms, then asked for the cheapest one. And then asked to be upgraded from that one. I mean, the room was empty; they had just shown it to me. Plus, if you ask nicely, you’d be surprised what people will give you. And if you’re young, your chances are exponentially higher. Try it. And that’s not even travel advice.

Okay, so here’s my advice: Let’s say you’re going away for a week. For six of those nights, you’ll stay in a cheap place to stay. But for the next night, you’ll stay at the Four Seasons, like in my trip to Hawaii with you-know-who. Again, you book the cheapest room. But you arrive at 9 a.m. Your room won’t be ready, but don’t worry, you’ll drop off your bags and get to use all the hotel’s facilities for the day. Then, the next morning, at breakfast that should be included (make sure it is! You can still get free breakfast at these hotels!), you treat it like brunch, filling your plate with enough food to last you the whole day. Any kind of food or drink costs a fortune at these five-star hotels, but they usually offer enough free amenities that you can gorge yourself without having to spend any money.

The next day, you don’t check out at noon. (I always ask for a 2:00 PM checkout wherever I am, then check out at 3:00 PM. Just tell the front desk you’ll be there in a minute when they call. It works, trust me. And if they say they can’t give you a 2:00 PM checkout but they can give you a 1:00 PM checkout, say thank you, then check out at 3:00 anyway.)

Then, after you check out, you pack up and use the pool, beach, and whatever else the hotel has to offer for the rest of the day. Often, these places offer free drinks and snacks at sunset. Make sure you stick around for that. If you time it right, it could be your dinner. So for the price of one night, you get two full days. I usually saved that treat for the end of the trip, because once you’ve stayed at a Four Seasons in Hawaii, you’ll never want to go back to your now-shitty bed and breakfast. (And, for any young traveler today, those two days are when you should be checking in all of your stuff, making it look like you spent your entire vacation at said resort, when in fact you only stayed one night. It’s a real money saver.)

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