“AITA for telling my father that I’m shocked that he remembered I was his child after asking me to help his stepson?”

“AITA for mockingly telling my father that I’m shocked that he remembers that my sister and I are his children after asking us to help his stepson?”

I may have been totally lenient with my father and maybe even indirectly with the child, but I wanted to get some input. Dad was a single parent to me (17 months) and my sister (18) since we were 5 and 6. Our mother died suddenly of a brain aneurysm and Dad was very supportive. He took time off from work and devoted himself to us.

It faded after the first couple of years, but the main thing was that he was always there for us. He would go to the occasional school play or football game, he would make time for us as a family and for one-on-one time. He was our world now and we loved the father he was.

But when I was 10, he met his wife Sadie and their two children (19 months, mother and 3 years old). Dad told my sister and I that he and Sadie were starting a family. So he would be there for his stepchildren to get to know them and bond with them. Sadie would do the same for us. We would have to rely on Sadie and not him, and Sadie’s children would rely on him and not her. It was so infuriating.

We told Dad we wanted him, not Sadie, and Dad told us his stepchildren (who weren’t even his stepchildren at the time) needed him even more. Dad then stopped doing anything for us and Sadie tried, but we didn’t want her. We were so angry, jealous, and hurt that Dad had left us for some strange woman’s children.

Their wedding day was a complete disaster because they wanted Sadie’s kids to be with Dad and my sister and I to be with Sadie and we didn’t want to be at the wedding at all. My grandma and grandpa tried to step in and talk to Dad but he told them to stay out of it. He said we needed to get used to Sadie and having younger siblings.

We never accepted Sadie or her children. We just withdrew completely and the resentment and anger grew. One day I told my father to his face that my mother would be so disgusted that he chose someone else’s children over ours and I hope he realizes it himself one day. My sister gave up as soon as she turned 18.

About a year ago, Sadie’s son was diagnosed with a kidney problem and it turned out a few months later that his liver was also affected. He’s been on different medications and some of them have caused problems. I don’t really know. I never paid enough attention to it. But my dad followed me to my sister’s one day last week and told us he needed our help.

He would like us to spend time with the kids and maybe help them pay their bills so they have less trouble paying for everything. My sister told him to go to hell. I laughed and teased him that I was surprised he remembered we were his kids when he has his precious little stepchildren that mean so much to him.

Dad reacted more to my answer than my sister’s. He was shocked, angry and probably even a little offended. He asked me how I could say such a thing when his stepson is so sick. He also told me that he was there for us when Mom died and why did we act like he left us with no one when we could have had Sadie but we abandoned her.

Commenters had plenty to say in response.

Curious-One4595 wrote:

NTA. But maybe you should tell him that it’s time he acknowledged that his bizarre plan to “reunite” your two families was a dismal, ill-conceived failure that caused you and your sister lasting emotional harm and permanent damage to his relationship with both of you, and that his current idea that he can fix these problems by emotionally blackmailing you over a seriously ill child is just plain hot.

Your father needs therapy. Your whole family needs therapy. But he should be the one to go first. I’d like to hear him explain to an objective observer why, when it quickly became clear that his shitty plan wasn’t working, he didn’t change course and try to fix things for seven fucking years.

OP replied:

I imagine he would say something like “I didn’t want my stepchildren to feel rejected by me after they had become so attached to me” and “I wanted my children to know a mother’s love again and I was afraid they would never accept my wife if we stopped trying to make this work.” I’m not sure he would do the actual work with a therapist to sort out the mess.

Grand-Geologist-6288 wrote:

I don’t understand the part about you and your sister having to rely solely on Sadie and her stepchildren having to rely solely on your father. Did you live in the same house? How did this exchange happen? Did your father stop talking to you and your sister and did Sadie stop talking to her stepchildren? That seems very strange.

OP replied:

We all lived in the same house. But Dad left all the raising of our children to Sadie and Sadie left most of the parenting of her children to Dad, but I think she did some of her own. I guess Dad would say it was because Sadie’s children got along so well with him that this was allowed to happen while we never gave Sadie a chance in that way.

gjwtgf wrote:

NTA, you have told him repeatedly that you are not happy. Your grandparents have tried to tell him and he has ignored them. He can’t be surprised now that you don’t want anything to do with him. It’s sad for his stepson but you have absolutely no obligation.

OP replied:

I think the fact that he was so surprised shows how arrogant he was about this way of “mixing in”.

GreekAmericanDom wrote:

NTA. What your father did to you was simply horrible. What an absolute failure of parenting. He deserved to hear what you told him.

OP replied:

It was. It almost seems like he did so much good that he decided he had to undo all the amazing parenting that took place after his mother died.

Bobinct wrote:

NTA: Let’s talk about the worst way to put a family back together.

OP replied:

Yeah. 100% chance of failure.

Egg_in_time_6827 wrote:

NTA – you lost your mother and your father takes credit for it because he was there for you at the time. Well, yes, he should have been, because he was your only surviving parent. Who else could have done it? Should you be grateful that he didn’t drop you off at the orphanage and hopefully you brought him some comfort?

And then when you are 10 and your sister is 11, he tells you he will no longer be your parental support. You have to trust this stranger as you see him taking care of others. It was easy for him to bond with very young children, but much harder for you, young teenagers.

And he watched you grow up without support for 8 years, punishing you for not connecting with the woman he chose as your mother figure. That is just cruelty. He gave up the right to call himself your parent by expecting an adult response from young children and not trying to fix the situation.

He left you with no emotional support other than what you and your brother could provide for each other. It’s very sad that such a young child is so sick. But your family is broken by your father’s actions and choices. Info: You’re a minor and still living with him? Remind him that he’s supposed to support you financially, not you supporting his family.

OP replied:

Yes, I still live with him unfortunately.

TheYankcunian wrote:

NTA – I don’t understand how parents do this! My parents did it to me, and my dad was always surprised and offended when I pointed it out to him. Spoiler alert: I’m 39 now and the last time I talked to him, 3 or 4 years ago, he was still surprised and offended. He denied, denied, denied and the only thing that mattered to him was that my stepmother, who was doing stupid things, and his kids were always treating him badly.

My only advice would be to not put yourself through decades of heartbreak. If you decide to no longer be in a relationship with him, stick with it. Don’t relapse. He will pretend to have changed, but in reality, he just wants to suck you back in and exploit you. Even if it’s just emotionally. He’s the parent. It’s not your job to help him rebuild his family. Have a plan for the future, build a life for yourself, and no matter what…don’t let them be a part of it.

OP replied:

It’s clear that we won’t have any more contact with him. He’s not a good enough father to stay with me anymore and I’ve never cared about his wife or children. So there’s nothing stopping me from having something to do with them once I’m 18. I’m counting the months (because the days are getting a bit depressing).

Who_apostrophe_sWho wrote:

I guess since Sadie’s children were still young, she was always looking after them, so they had two parents while you and your sister had none.

He may consider what you said to be harsh/unjustified, but that is nothing compared to the fact that he abandoned his children who had already lost their mother. Even now, he is betraying you by not acknowledging that his idea was selfish and that it caused this tension. He is not reaching out to you because he realizes that he needs to make amends while you are all still able. NTA.

OP replied:

She did a few, but a lot less than Dad did. But they still got her. It was only because Sadie’s kids really bonded with Dad. If they hadn’t, she would have left everything to Dad.

Batgirl_1984 wrote:

This is the weirdest “meet your new mother-in-law” case I’ve ever read.

OP replied:

And he got the idea from someone else, believe it or not.