Ask Eric: The phone call shook my parents, and I think I know why.

Dear Eric: I recently found out I have a half sister who lives 15 minutes away from me. I haven’t contacted her yet.

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It seems she was born about 10 months before my parents got married and was put up for adoption by my father and this other woman.

I believe this child called my parents house in the early 80’s when she turned 18 and spoke to my parents, but the call was never discussed, and my parents also changed the home phone number to a new number and made it unlisted at that time.

My parents are now in their 80s. My mother has a pacemaker and my father has Alzheimer’s disease.

Is it better to wait until my mother has passed away before trying to contact this relative?

I think if my parents had wanted to tell us before, they would have, and since my mother is my father’s caregiver, it’s not a topic that would be good for his health.

– New sister found

Dear sister: Contact us now.

You may never get full answers about why your parents estranged yourself from your half-sister, but there’s a cruelty in their actions that you can help ease.

Many people who have been kept a secret from their biological family speak of the longing for that connection and the pain that secret causes. Be that bridge.

Protect yourself, as you would any stranger. There are a lot of emotions on all sides here. But there is no need to wait.

You can’t change what your parents did, and you’re not responsible for it, but you do have the opportunity to start a new relationship with your half-sister.

Dear Eric: It may be immature, but there is one affront that has bothered me for 70 years.

Irene had been my best friend since elementary school. We lived next door to each other and were inseparable. She was an extrovert, I was an introvert.

Irene’s parents decided not to invite me to her 15th birthday party, to which they had invited several young men, fearing that my presence would distract Irene.

I was deeply hurt and never spoke to him again.

Years later, when I got married, my father saw Irene outside our building pushing a stroller with twins in her arms. Irene asked after me, said she would like to talk to me and gave her her contact information. But I just couldn’t do it. I never called her.

– Always a wounded friend

Dear friend: What Irene’s parents did to you was unfair and cruel. It’s not immature to continue to have feelings about it. It’s a deep wound that came at a particularly sensitive time in your development.

Because it was Irene’s parents’ doing and, presumably, not hers, talking to Irene may have offered you some closure or even some healing.

But it’s okay not to be ready.

However, if it bothers you enough to write to me about it, I think it may be an indicator that the wound wants to close.

Free Irene’s parents for making a poor choice in what they thought was in their daughter’s best interest. Free Irene for getting caught in the crossfire. And most importantly, free yourself.

You didn’t deserve this contempt. You should have been invited. It shouldn’t define you anymore.

Dear Eric: I have a future son-in-law who happily accepts gifts, tickets to events and dinners, and outings to restaurants. My problem is that I have never heard a single “thank you, that’s nice of you.”

I find myself in a delicate situation, because I don’t like to let my resentment show itself. I also find it difficult to address this issue without coming across as judgmental, and I’m also a little afraid that it will be “made fun of”.

There is also a strong element around the fact that my husband and I are “privileged”, which makes the situation also awkward. He does not come from a privileged family. We like him, but we also feel that we have been exploited.

– Ungrateful gift giver

Dear Gift Giver: Being disadvantaged doesn’t prevent someone from incorporating the word “thank you” into their vocabulary. That said, you may value these gifts differently.

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Try to accept that your future son-in-law communicates differently than you do.

Once that’s done, to strengthen your relationship, tell him how you’d like to be contacted. This doesn’t have to be in the form of instructions. But saying, “I feel valued when the things I do are recognized,” can help him understand your point of view.

Expressions of love are a normal part of family life. He may view the nice things you do as a transaction. But you can give him the tools to help you feel loved in return.

Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.