How to stop toddler tantrums over tablet use

It always starts with good intentions. Your toddler is fussy or irritable, and you’ve seen how the tablet calms them down. Why not hand it over for a few minutes to prevent a tantrum while you get dinner ready?

It’s a scene that plays out successfully in many households everyday, but the short-term victory may lead to a major parenting challenge in the future, according to new research.

The study, which appeared in JAMA Pediatricsfound that more tablet use at age three-and-a-half was associated with increased anger a year later. A child’s inclination to become angry or frustrated at four-and-a-half was then linked to more tablet time at five-and-a-half.

The findings suggest that providing a toddler with a tablet, especially when they’re expressing negative emotions, can eventually backfire, the study’s lead author, Dr. Caroline Fitzpatrick, told Mashable.

“The ability to regulate emotions doesn’t happen automatically,” said Fitzpatrick, who is a child development researcher at the Université de Sherbrooke in Canada.

Instead, young children commonly develop this skill through supportive interactions with their parents or caregivers, and through play. But when they have a tablet in their hands, those opportunities typically disappear.

Dr. Kathryn Keough, a psychologist with the Child Mind Institute’s Anxiety Disorders Center, said the study’s results, in addition to similar research on tablet use among young children, make a compelling case for parents to reconsider when and how they provide the device to their kids.

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“The big thing is to transition away from tablets as much as possible for preschool-age children and younger, given the research that’s coming out,” Keough said. She noted that even educational apps are unlikely to have as positive an impact on a young child as playing with a parent or sibling, or exploring their surroundings, like a backyard.

The transition away from tablet time may be tough, but Keough offered a step-by-step guide for helping a toddler adjust:

1. Practice self-compassion.

As a psychologist who treats young children for mental health conditions, Keough has seen this scenario plenty of times. She knows why parents rely on tablets and other devices with kids: because it works. In the moment, a screen provides enough stimulation and distraction to help a child move quickly past difficult feelings. “I hope they can give themselves grace,” Keough said of parents who’ve been using tablets in this situation.

Once parents realize the risks of relying on a tablet when their child is frustrated, angry, or sad, they can commit to changing that habit.

2. Set expectations.

If parents don’t yet have specific time for tablet use, like after dinnertime, Keough recommends designating one. Ideally, this window would align with the guidelines for two- to five-year-olds created by the American Academy of Pediatrics, which is no more than one hour per day of high-quality programming, viewed with a parent.

Importantly, Fitzpatrick’s study found no negative effects on anger for children who followed the recommended one hour or less of tablet time. But every 73 minutes in daily tablet use above that threshold led to significant increases in angry outbursts.

Once children understand they can only use the tablet at a specific time during the day, they’ll be better prepared to handle not receiving it on demand, or when they’re struggling. For parents of younger children, who may not yet be verbal, Keough said it’s possible to keep the tablet out of sight without them remembering that it’s an option.

3. Coach your child through difficult feelings.

In general, parents trying to reduce tablet use should focus on emotion regulation strategies with their child, like naming feelings and practicing deep breaths.

For example, saying aloud that the child seems frustrated helps them better understand the emotions they’re experiencing. Inviting them to then take a break and breathe deeply or count to 10 demonstrates how they can cope with hard feelings.

Keough said that parents should try to model similar behavior. If they spill a cup of coffee, for example, it’s a good opportunity for the parent to say aloud that they were rushing, and that mistakes happen. Keough noted that adults tend to cope internally, sometimes because they’re embarrassed to acknowledge their own feelings. But doing so out loud can set a powerful example for a young child.

4. Weather the storm.

Parents should fully expect that a toddler or preschooler will have a tantrum when they’re accustomed to getting a tablet and don’t. Keough said parents who can stay firm with this boundary, even amid an ear-splitting outburst, will eventually see progress. During the tantrum, Keough said parents can calmly remind their child of the times when tablet use is appropriate, and explain that it’s now time to calm down.

As soon as the child starts to relax, it’s important to affirm them by saying they did a good job calming down. If a parent had their own emotional blowup during the tantrum, Keough said they can acknowledge to their child what happened, and say they’re sorry for reacting negatively.

5. Be mindful of your own device use.

When a parent is trying to curb their toddler’s tablet use, it’s important that they also reflect on their own habits. The goal is to model behavior for their child, which certainly means avoiding picking up a smartphone during stressful moments. But it can also mean restricting device use at meal times so your child experiences family conversation and connection without devices present. To help set these boundaries, Fitzpatrick recommends adopting a family media use plan.

6. Encourage play.

Shifting away from tablet use can give children more time to spend on imaginative or pretend play, which helps them develop key social, emotional, and cognitive skills, Keough said. She suggests that parents also set aside time every day to play with them, even if it’s for five minutes. They can encourage pretend play by modeling how to use objects creatively and by acting out characters.

Of course, parents should remember to leave their phone out of reach in order to be fully immersed in playtime.

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