I can't sleep and my husband won't admit it's his fault

Dear Eric:My husband suffers from frequent insomnia. When he has trouble sleeping, he spends some time (sometimes several hours) reading in bed.

He uses a small flashlight, but it’s bright enough to keep me awake. As is the sound of turning pages.

He insists that I should be able to sleep through this, but I can’t. The sleep lost from these middle-of-the-night reading sessions is seriously hampering my productivity at work.

Our apartment only has one bedroom, so I can’t ask him to go read (and sleep) in another room. Should I insist that he go to the living room to do his reading?

– Sleepless spouse

Dear Insomniac:It’s quite ironic that he tells you what you should be able to do to sleep. Facts that are not proven!

While Sharper Image catalogs around the world assure us that small reading lights are the answer to discreet reading before bed, everyone is different. A half-hour of reading is one thing, but spending an entire study session tossing and turning in bed? I don’t think so.

Please insist on staying in the living room, at least until the time of night when his condition improves a little and you can both get some sleep.

Dear Eric:I am in a relationship with a man whose sister recently passed away.

I rented a car, bought clothes for his children for the funeral, and made sure everything was in order. The funeral was out of town. I wanted to be there to support him, but he didn’t invite me.

I left work and he left with his children.

When I told him how I felt about not being invited, he told me that he assumed I wouldn’t want to go, but that he hadn’t considered me and hadn’t invited me.

This isn’t the first time he’s done this. Should I take it for what it is, because I clearly don’t matter enough?

– Left behind

Dear Left:Try not to take this example personally. When we are grieving, we don’t always think through everything.

If this is a common pattern with other events that aren’t emergencies or tragedies, try talking to him about it proactively to see if that changes things. For example, if there’s something you want to be invited to, let him know in advance.

Or if you do odd jobs to help him out, like buying clothes for the kids, say, “I see the kids need clothes, so I thought I’d take them shopping. Would that help?”

Sometimes we have to overcommunicate so as not to feel misunderstood.

Dear Eric: I have been dating a wonderful man for three years. We are in our 50s, have our own homes, and are financially stable.

This is the man I’ve been looking for my whole life. But he doesn’t seem to want to move forward with marriage.

He was married for a very long time and it ended in divorce. After that, he had a few serious relationships in which he seemed to seriously consider marriage, but for one reason or another, it didn’t work out.

The fact that he’s not moving our relationship forward makes me feel like I’m not important enough to marry.

I don’t know if I should give him more time because I think he is slow to make decisions about anything in life or to put a deadline on the table.

I don’t know if I’ll ever be satisfied without a ring on my finger. Am I wasting my time?

– Wait impatiently

Dear Waiting: You’re waiting for him to ask you the question, but have you already asked any preliminary questions about marriage and your future together?

You can, and should, have any proposal you want, but the first step for every couple is to talk about dreams, desires, baggage, etc.

You have decision-making power here. Have you asked him if he sees himself getting married again? Or what his vision is for the two of you? Have you shared your vision with him? It’s important to do this so you don’t carry the burden of unmet expectations.

Your letter contains words like “seem” and “appear”; it is not unfair to ask for clarification. This will strengthen your relationship.

Now, if you have already had the marriage discussion and he is not happy with it, that is another problem. Because if you have said you want to get married and he does not want to or responds to your desire with a non-response, he is either not hearing you clearly or he is ignoring you on purpose. That is a problem.

Tell him, “When I talk about marriage, it’s so I know that our love is real and meaningful to you. Can you help me understand what you mean?”

Send your questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram @oureric and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.

Originally published: August 26, 2024 at 02:30