Dear Annie: Should I have intervened when my sister-in-law started fighting?

Dear Annie: I have a sister-in-law who can’t seem to attend a family gathering without cornering someone into a confrontation. For years, that person was me. I waited for my husband to step in, but when nothing changed, I finally decided to set some boundaries. In hindsight, I wish I had spoken up sooner, but I hesitated because she is my husband’s sister.

When I finally told her that topics like my marriage, parenting, and health were taboo, she responded by saying that my expectations were too high. Since then, she has completely ignored my husband and me like a child, even communicating through her husband when she wants something.

At the last family reunion, we were supposed to celebrate a birthday at a local restaurant. I was relieved to be ignored for once, but unfortunately, she turned her attention to her other brother and his wife. I could see they were uncomfortable, and eventually, her brother had enough and left the table. His wife, instead of fighting back, went to my sister-in-law, who was now crying and playing the victim, before lashing out at her husband. Watching the whole thing made me sick.

Once we got back to the table, my sister-in-law started harassing them again. This time, it was my father-in-law who tried to intervene and ask them to stop arguing so we could enjoy the evening. But he speaks so quietly that no one really listens to him.

I felt like I should have said something, but I found myself wondering if it was my place to intervene. My husband and I then discussed how we would handle future meetings that turned ugly. We decided that if drama started, we would just get up and leave. We don’t want our children to be exposed to this immature behavior anymore.

I’m usually the type to speak up when something is wrong, but when it comes to my husband’s family, he’s always afraid of making waves. So I wonder if it’s really my place to say something when she takes it out on other family members. The rest of the family has been silent for years, which has allowed her to get away with it. But I think if someone spoke up every time she misbehaves, she would stop or eventually stop behaving. I’d be happy with either outcome.

What should I do? – A silent spectator

Dear Silent: Calling someone a bully is a harsh accusation, but your sister-in-law is in the same position as few others. You should not do more than you did. In your case, setting boundaries worked. Maybe you should tell her brother’s wife so she can do the same. But ultimately, this woman is toxic, and my advice is to keep your distance as much as possible. Walking away when the arguments start, as you and your husband have decided to do, is a great idea.

“How Do I Forgive My Cheating Partner?” is available now! Annie Lane’s second anthology of favorite columns on marriage, infidelity, communication, and reconciliation is available in paperback and e-book. Visit http://www.creatorspublishing.com for more information. Send your questions to Annie Lane at [email protected].