3 Things to Consider When Your Partner Betrays You – From a Psychologist

A partner’s betrayal can shatter your sense of the world, leaving you struggling with deep emotional wounds. As suggested by research published in the journal Behavioral research and therapy In 2010, betrayal can cause deep distress, leading to shock, grief, self-doubt and anger, often leading to life-altering changes and mental health problems like anxiety and even PTSD.

If you or someone you know is going through the emotional wreckage of a romantic betrayal, here are three crucial steps that could help you process the trauma and rebuild trust.

1. Acknowledge the trauma, don’t ignore it

When betrayal occurs, the pain is often overwhelming, making it difficult to acknowledge the trauma and easier to put aside. Ignoring your feelings may seem like a way to avoid further suffering, but unresolved emotions can manifest in more destructive ways, such as anxiety, depression, or trust issues in other relationships or in the future.

According to an August 2018 study, people who received trauma-informed care showed improvement. Trauma-informed mental health care approaches focus on understanding and addressing the root causes of mental distress by asking the question “what happened to you?” ” instead of “What’s wrong with you?” »

This means moving from blaming or judging a person for their behaviors or difficulties to understanding the experiences and traumas that may have caused their distress, thereby reducing the risk of “retraumatization.”

It’s not just advisable to face your feelings head-on after a betrayal, it’s a requirement. You need to give yourself permission to cry, to feel angry, or even to feel numb. These emotions are completely valid and part of the healing process.

For example, let’s take the example of a person who discovers that their partner has been unfaithful. The first reaction may be shock and disbelief, but it is essential to move beyond denial. Acknowledging the betrayal allows you to begin to process what happened, which is the first step toward recovery.

2. Reframe the story

One of the most damaging aspects of betrayal is that it can make people appear to reflect a personal flaw, which is rarely the case. Reframing the situation to understand that betrayal depends on the other person’s choices, not your worth, can be empowering.

Betrayal often triggers negative emotions like revenge or self-criticism, which can worsen your well-being, even if you know it’s not your fault. By recognizing that the betrayal is not about you, you can separate your identity from the actions of others and heal without unnecessary guilt or shame.

For example, if a partner cheats, it’s common to question yourself by asking, “What did I do wrong?” » or “am I not enough?” Remember that betrayal often stems from the betrayer’s issues, such as fear of intimacy, emotional immaturity, or personal vulnerabilities.

A 2005 study published in Psychological sciences found that taking a distanced perspective – thinking about why the event happened rather than getting emotional and taking it personally – helps people process their feelings calmly and find a solution. This approach allows you to reflect on the experience without reigniting intense negative emotions. By changing the way you interpret negative events, you can reduce emotional distress and promote a healthier path to recovery.

3. Disconnect and reconnect

After a betrayal, it’s natural to feel a mixture of anger, sadness, and a desire to return to the relationship that once existed. However, continuing to dwell on these emotions can trap you in a cycle of pain.

Instead, it’s essential to disconnect from the feelings you have toward the person who betrayed you and redirect that emotional energy toward others who support and care for you. What hurts the most in this whole scenario is the distrust and abandonment. It is therefore advisable to reconnect with the people who are still with you.

Social reconnection is “lifestyle medicine,” as a 2015 study published in the American Journal of Lifestyle Medicine. It can also come with many physical and emotional benefits, including maintaining a healthy weight, controlling blood sugar, alleviating depression, and improving overall mental health by alleviating post-traumatic symptoms .

These connections provide a new source of emotional fulfillment, reinforcing the understanding that not everyone will betray you. For example, spending time with a close friend who has always been there for you can help restore trust in relationships, reminding you that reliability and loyalty still exist.

Disconnecting does not mean repressing emotions: it involves consciously choosing to distance yourself from the person and the pain associated with them. This can be done through activities that help you refocus, such as pursuing hobbies, participating in social activities, or even seeking professional therapy. The goal is to gradually replace the place occupied by the traitor in your life with positive influences.

Remember, betrayal says more about the betrayer than it does about you. With these steps, you can begin to rebuild your emotional strength and find a path that leads to a more resilient, confident, and fulfilled self.

Is a past traumatic separation still causing you distress? Adopt the scientific model Breakup Distress Scale to know where you are.