Eric: Should I stop giving money to an ungrateful brother or sister?

Dear Eric: Over the past thirty years, I have been very generous with a sibling who has never been in good financial shape.

I have felt a certain disdain from her and her family about my generosity. I get a thank you or acknowledgment maybe half the time.

She has a very short temper and frequently teases me about things that happened twenty or thirty years ago, making cutting comments about stupid little things I did that made her angry.

After many years of letting it go, I find myself very angry about her ingratitude and her attitude towards me. I always felt sorry for her and wanted to make her life better, but maybe that made her feel bad about herself.

We haven’t spoken in almost a year. I realize that the only thing I can control is my own behavior, so I have drastically cut back on the amount of money I give her.

But I hate being upset and upset with her, and I would really like to find a way to move on and let go of all these negative emotions. I don’t even know if she realizes I’m upset.

—Financing Family

Dear Family: Money talks, but it mumbles a lot, so we need to be especially clear in our communications around it. It’s fine to cut back on your generosity, but you don’t get to the heart of the problem and will likely be misinterpreted.

It will help a lot if you can both have a conversation that focuses on the way you feel about each other and your relationship. You need a place to deal with your grudges and they probably do too.

Before you contact her, think about what you actually want. It can be as simple as a thank you. But I suspect it’s more complicated than that. Is there a part of you that is hurt by her reaction to you or her snarky comments? Is there frustration because the money you gave couldn’t stop the pain? Ask yourself what would make you feel valued in this relationship.

You write that she may not even know you are upset; that’s painful to read because it suggests that she doesn’t give you the same thought and care that you give her.

Sort out your feelings and figure out what your responsibility is to sort out solo and what you can bring into the conversation with her.

(Send questions to R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or PO Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him on Instagram and sign up for his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com.)