10 Questions to Guide You in Setting Limits with Your Children

Setting limits is a confusing part of parenting. Some parents find that their usual methods aren’t effective, or that what works for one child doesn’t work for another. Others find themselves being harsh when they didn’t mean to be; it’s just the way the words come out of their mouths. It can be hard to find your own way.

Here are 10 questions that can help you. They are divided into five different periods.

Well before setting a limit

Question 1: What is my goal? Do I want immediate obedience or do I want to help the child develop a strong moral sense?

Many parents understand that instant obedience is not the best goal because it doesn’t last and can lead children to obey bullies or resist authority. But in the moment, parents want an immediate response. They forget about deeper, longer-term goals, such as wanting children to cooperate and be kind because it makes them feel good, not because they fear punishment.

Question 2: Have I set up a natural laboratory for my children’s moral development?

This lab is a game. A lot play time, including time spent playing with you. Through play, children learn what happens if they share, take turns, are sporty, do their best, act kindly… or if they don’t. This can only happen if we don’t let play get crowded out by “more important” things. There is nothing more important.

Just before setting a limit

Question 3: What’s happening right now?

Often, we set limits out of habit. We may use the exact same words and tone of voice that our parents used with us. Too often, these automatic reactions are disconnected. We yell, hit, scold, or give a controlling, angry look.

But every moment is a new and fresh moment. What’s really going on? Am I reacting to this moment or to all the “extra” things in my head, like emotional triggers, fears, and assumptions? We may punish a child more harshly because we’re being triggered by a memory and emotion from our past. We may worry about the distant future (if my child doesn’t tell us about this, he’ll end up in jail!) and react more harshly than necessary.

Question 4: Is a limit necessary or something else?

As parents, we are quick to label our children’s actions as misconduct. We then feel the need to punish, scold, lecture, harass, even hit. What if we got rid of the word “misbehavior” and ask ourselves whether a limit is really necessary.

Maybe the child needs a change of scenery, not a limit, like a toddler who drops food out of a high chair. Maybe the child—and you—need a family meeting instead of a limit, like when screen-time agreements aren’t working. Maybe children who are emotionally overloaded need empathy, not limits. “You must be very angry with your sister right now.”

Children with unmet needs often respond with problem behavior. Punishment makes the behavior worse because it doesn’t address the underlying need. Address the need and the behavior will resolve itself. The most common unmet needs are connection needs (“We haven’t spent much time together lately. I think that might be why you’re being so aggressive. Let’s get back in touch and have some fun together.”) or for autonomy (“You wanted to choose which cup to use, and you got upset when I decided for you. I understand that you like to make choices, I’ll help you have a lot to decide. “)

Children often do disturbing things because they sense tensions within the family, such as marital conflict or financial pressures. Children are the canaries in the coal mine, most sensitive to environmental problems. Adults may be insensitive to the tension or think it doesn’t affect the child. But children act out because the tension do This is not about imposing a limit, but rather about adults trying to reduce the tension: playing more as a family, meditating, exercising and finding someone to talk to.

Question 5: Can I calm down?

Before setting a limit, it’s always helpful to pause and calm down, such as taking a deep breath, splashing your face with cool water, or turning away for a moment to remind yourself of the importance of connection, then turning back with more understanding and empathy. You don’t want your kids to be impulsive, so model this by calming down first before taking impulsive action.

When setting boundaries

When parents address questions 1-5, they often realize that a limit is not really necessary. They can simply play, empathize with the child, soothe, or respond to the child’s underlying need.

Of course, sometimes the child always You need to set boundaries. Even if you are calm and understanding about your older sister’s jealousy, she still can’t hit your baby. Despite the tensions at home, your child still needs to turn off his video games and do his homework. But the answers to the previous questions can help you set boundaries more effectively, without being too harsh.

The following questions apply if you have gotten this far and determined that yes, a limit is necessary.

Question 6: Can I set the limit directly and clearly?

Many parents say things like, “It’s time to turn off the game, okay?” or “Don’t you want to save one of the cookies for your sister?” Parents then become angry when the child ignores them or says No. The parent think They set a limit, but they don’t do it because it’s not clear and direct: “It’s time to turn off the game, I’ll help you… We’re keeping one of the cookies for your sister, pass me the bag.”

Question 7: Can I set the limit so as to maintain or even increases connection?

Clear and direct doesn’t mean harsh and angry. Boundaries can better maintain connection if the tone of voice is warm or light. Imagine a warm tone of voice when you say, “You really want to keep watching, I understand. You wish I had said yes.” Imagine a light voice: “Oh no! No cookie for your sister? Then she’ll turn into a screaming monster without a cookie, and I’ll turn into a mean monster of a mom, help!”

For the limits that increase connection, consider an entry time rather than a downtime. Go to your room is disconnecting (and kids never sit in their rooms thinking about how to be a better citizen!) Let’s sit down and talk about it is connected, provided you listen and speak (I would actually suggest listening more that you speak).

Immediately after a limit

Question 8: What’s happening right now?

Has the problem been resolved? Often, we continue to express our anger even after setting the limit, which is unnecessary and interferes with the parent-child relationship. Has the limit created a distance between us that needs to be bridged? Can I maintain the limit while restoring and repairing the relationship?

Question 9: Can I find and express empathy for the child’s emotional reaction to the limit?

It’s common for parents to say, “My child can’t take the word ‘no.'” Usually, this means that the child is unfortunate with the no. Who isn’t? We don’t need our children as The boundary. We can empathize when the boundary makes them sad or angry. This post-boundary empathy is an important part of the boundary-setting process.

Follow up

Question 10: What went well? What did I learn? Can I be compassionate towards myself if it wasn’t perfect?