So you got your avoider back

As you all know, I decided to go on vacation with my avoidant ex.

So what happens when you take your avoidant back for the 52nd time? I mean, of course, promising yourself that this time you won’t catch feelings, that this time you’ll know how to handle them, that this time you can be a little less than yourself?

Spoiler alert: By day two, I discovered the avoidant’s “safe zone,” a must-know discovery for anyone trying to date an avoidant person.

DAY 0: The first post-breakup meeting

Can we still be dreamers after all the shit we’ve been through?

As I fly over Athens to join my ex in Santorini, after several days of writing blog posts about how I will survive the next massive disappointment and heartbreak that, rationally speaking, are much more likely to happen than a happy ending like in any self-respecting romantic comedy, I had a moment of revelation.

I didn’t become the skeptic I sold to all my friends.

Shit! I’m still a dreamer.

My migraines went from 8% to 99% intensity.

My body doesn’t want to go there.

My brain doesn’t want to go away. In fact, it’s trying with all its might to activate a system shutdown in the hopes that I’ll fall half dead and get rid of this terrible idea.

How the hell am I still a believer after everything that’s happened?

Honestly guys, I don’t know. I don’t imagine us hand in hand walking under the sun, well, I think so, but only this week in Santorini.

I’m not sure how I’m going to feel when this flight lands, but I’m sure it will be a lot to handle.

His flight is delayed, I just have time to humanize myself before he arrives. I head to the bathroom and change, trying to hide the effects of my violent migraine and hoping that time will move quickly until the moment I see him.

For some illogical reason, he’s probably the only person I wanted to go on vacation with this summer. I’m exhausted and I need to feel at home for a second, hopefully in his arms, in his neck. To breathe him in. To sleep, really sleep.

I don’t think I’ve slept since the last time he held me. I just want to shut down my central nervous system for a moment and really rest.

Unlike in the past, I don’t want to be the best version of myself, I don’t think much about how he will feel about me, I focus more on how I want to feel about myself and how I will feel about him.

He lands.

No big hugs, kisses and tears of “I love you”. That’s not his style.

He hugs me briefly, my freshness out the window, I hug him tighter than I had intended. We get into a car and head to our hotel. I felt a little like we hadn’t been separated, but the enormous feelings I had developed were locked away in a closet with a lady called Lorena who carefully managed the incoming and outgoing expressions of those feelings.

Day 1: On the island of romance

Even though it was a perfect, passionate, and beautiful night, “just amazing sex” is rarely enough. You can’t truly enjoy sex with someone you love unless they love you back. And in all honesty, no L-words were spoken and his take on the whole vacation is this:

Let’s not talk about the past

Let’s not talk about the future

Let’s not talk about the problems between us

Basically, it’s an “imaginary couple” vacation.

We pretend to be in love and happy, which in all honesty we are in the moment, and we completely ignore the fact that this moment will also pass and our hearts will be completely broken if, like 99% of us will, we end our relationship.

To be honest, so far I’m fine, I just need a few moments here and there to fully absorb what just happened, turn down the happiness factor and realign with the fact that I can’t feel feelings like he very specifically told me, he still doesn’t know what to do.

Or do I already have L-level feelings and I’m just a little deluded and feel strong like he is, in fact, here with me?

It’s hard not to compare this with exes and new strangers who, on the other hand, would like to claim me as theirs, protect me and my feelings, take care of me and make plans to build together.

And yet here I am with someone who is unsure of myself. What does that say about me?

This is all a bit too disappointing. When I express my feelings, he pushes them away, almost making me ashamed of expressing them.

I know what I have to do, prepare to go out and leave this endless vacation (we haven’t decided when we’ll leave yet) at the right time, before certain death.

On the other hand, I feel very relaxed, supported and serene.

AAAAAHHHHHH!

Let’s see.

Day 2: The “safe zone”

There is a specific area you can venture into when dating an avoidant person.

Imagine a country divided in two by a river: on one side you have the “I don’t want you”, on the other the “I love you” and in the middle the country of “I want you but not quite and I love you but it might not be forever”.

The middle ground is exactly where your avoidance thrives.

Every now and then I step onto dry land, out of the river, into the reality of my cruise, and without fail, every time, I get killed.

Yesterday I tried to make him understand that maybe I wanted answers, in the “I love you” zone, and he asked me not to talk about it because it made him want to cry. He literally subliminally told me that he would have to leave me if I ventured out of the river, he said he couldn’t stay on vacation.

I am allowed to go up and down the river as much as I want, but I cannot cross that line. I cannot even wave out the window if it crosses the two danger zones.

Is this a life?

Can we really live confined to a tiny corner of this field?

Day 3: When reality sets in

Waking up this morning on the third day of vacation, my energy is a little low. The magic of pretending has flown away a little.

Reality catches up with us in waves.

We always pretend it’s not quite there.

Scared but also quite relaxed, I prepare to leave while keeping you, my travel companions, informed. Thank you for being there by my side.

I wish you a fantastic day from the land of the “Avoidant Safety Zone”.

—

This article was previously published on medium.com.

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Excerpt from the Good Men project on Medium

What does it really mean to be in love and love someone?

My 9-year-old son accidentally explained to me why his mother divorced him

The only thing men want more than sex

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The article So You Got Your Avoidant Back appeared first on The Good Men Project.