The “parents in the bedroom or parents in the living room” debate has gone viral – I’m the first and here’s why...

In a recently viral video, a mom distinguished between parents who spend time with their kids in shared living spaces and those who retreat to their rooms, leaving the kids to fend for themselves. Our associate editor began questioning her own choices after watching the video.

Confession: I’m a living room mom. I consider it my “job” to be in the same room as my kids most of the time. Chilling out in my bedroom when the kids are around—even though they’re now 10, 17, and 19—just doesn’t fit my natural parenting style unless I’m sick or completely exhausted. Am I weird? What kind of parent are you: a living room mom or a living room mom?

This debate came to my attention when I came across a TikTok post by Marissa Kile. She sparked a discussion by sharing her experience growing up with what she calls “bedroom parents.” She said, “I grew up in a place where my parents were in their bedroom, 24/7, they were never in the living room… So growing up, I always wanted my parents to be in the living spaces with us… Now I have a whole gaggle of my own kids, and I’m never in my room.”

Marissa even mentioned that her room wasn’t decorated because she was only there to change or sleep. Same, Marissa, SAME.

Now that the summer school holidays are in full swing and my two eldest children are rarely home, a curious trend has emerged in my house. My youngest, enjoying the relaxed atmosphere of not having school, spends a lot of time watching television on the sofa, snuggled under her duvet.

That’s what I’m here for. She’s usually a very sporty child who works out or does some sort of physical activity every day of the week. The novelty of spending time in front of the TV will soon wear off and summer activities will begin, so she’s making the most of the opportunity to relax while she can.

But here’s the thing. When she watches her favorite YouTubers or kids’ TV shows, I feel nervous. I want to be right there with her, to enjoy the opportunity to spend time together in physical proximity while she’s still in the loop. But (whisper it) I don’t really want to watch the stuff she likes. Yet I feel bad for constantly diverting her attention to things I’d rather be watching. It’s her summer vacation and we only have 18, apparently.

You might think the solution would be obvious: headphones. I own several pairs and can easily watch Netflix on my phone or laptop. It doesn’t have to be Bridgerton or anything I wouldn’t want her to see over my shoulder, of course. But, dear reader, I just can’t bring myself to wear headphones.

Why? I find wearing headphones around my kids frowned upon. It’s even rude. Maybe I’ve internalized messages about parenting that equate wearing headphones with not doing enough, with not giving my kids my all. I know it’s a toxic way of thinking, but that’s just the way it is.

There’s something wrong with wearing headphones around my kids. It’s rude, even. Maybe I’ve internalized messages about parenting that equate wearing headphones with not doing enough, with not giving my all to my kids.
Heidi Scrimgeour

Or maybe it’s a throwback to my office days, where wearing headphones was widely accepted as code for “LEAVE ME ALONE.” Or maybe it’s the fact that I had my first child before the iPhone was even invented, meaning my early parenting years were largely screen-free. I even banned TV back then because of all the scary things I’d read about the impact of screen time on kids. I guess I developed a sense that every waking moment with my kids should be spent with them, and certainly not scrolling through screens myself while they’re distracted.

I am aware that I look like a dinosaur. And maybe I am hurting myself. Maybe I am a less energetic and less competent mother because I deny myself the opportunity to relax by watching a movie while my children are enjoying theirs. Maybe that is why I sometimes feel so exhausted that I have to retreat to the bedroom as a last resort.

To find out if I’m the only living room mum I know, I asked the GoodtoKnow office. “My mum was always busy at home when I was growing up, and my dad was always at work. He was only home on Sundays and liked to sit in his favourite chair so he wouldn’t be disturbed. So we didn’t spend time in any room, and I liked having my own space in my bedroom anyway,” says editor and mum-of-two Lucy Wigley.

“When I had my own children, I insisted on being in the living room with them at all times, with no TV or distractions while they played. I think some unconscious part of me wanted their memories to be different to mine. We continued this way into our teens, but now the youngest wants his own space and spends very little time with us, but my eldest likes to be close to us (and sleeps very poorly!) so he sits with us until we go to bed – at least we still have one!”

Mother and little girl watching television

(Photo credit: Getty Images)

Anna Bailey, editor-in-chief of GoodtoKnow, believes her baby’s age has dictated the “type” of parent she is. “I have very fond memories of Freddie being a little baby in our room – she would wake up, sit on our bed in the morning and play with her toys while we had our coffee,” she says. “So we were bedroom parents in the morning, but now that she can walk around, that’s not an option for us! She just wants to wriggle out of bed and get all our clothes out of the wardrobe. Now we’re living room parents. All her favourite toys and books are in a big box so they can be put away at night and don’t take over our adult space. I’m very careful not to be on my phone when I’m playing, because I don’t want her to think it’s more important than her.” “If she’s at nursery we’re totally focused on her, but if it’s the weekend we’ll sometimes turn on the TV. But usually it’s just Mrs Rachel or Sky News. Nothing you really need to follow.

Interestingly, my husband has no qualms about putting on headphones to watch his shows in the same room as the kids. In fact, he has a bit of an after-dinner routine: he cleans the kitchen and loads the dishwasher while staying plugged into whatever he’s watching or listening to.

Yet I can’t shake the feeling that families shouldn’t retreat into their own private worlds when they’re together at home. I know it sounds weird. And maybe, like any parenting trend that has the word “should” in it, it’s an idea I should reject.

Now where are my headphones?

For more robust parental advice to read 18 Summers – 3 Reasons Why I Hate This Guilt-Inducing Parenting Meme or Joe Wicks Just Dropped a Parenting Truth Bomb About Sibling Rivalry and I Feel So Seen. And for more debates on a current parental topic, read If your Gen Z child asks you to go to their job interview, I’m sorry, but you’ve done a bad job as a parent. Or Charging for playdates: a question of economy or rudeness?