I asked my son where he learned a chemistry experiment. What he told me shocked me.

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Dear Care and Feeding,

I have two sons, “Elliot” and “David,” ages 6 and 4 respectively. The other day, Elliot asked me to retrieve some of his father’s chemistry equipment. He didn’t want to do anything dangerous with it, just show his younger brother how to make precipitates. It was a cute little demonstration, and afterwards, while we were cleaning, I asked Elliot if my husband had taught him how to do that. There was a flash of anger on his little face.

He said, “How can he teach me anything if he’s never here?”

My husband, “Harold,” is a good man, but he works a relatively junior job in a busy government department and is very busy, often coming home at midnight or later. I knew his career trajectory when I was dating and married him, and it should improve in 3 or 4 years. I didn’t agree with it at all (and still do). But it’s not just the two of us anymore, and that really worries me.

I can handle my little budding chemist. But I don’t want a permanent rift to form between my kids and my husband, and it seems like there already is one. I don’t know how to deal with this kind of problem, and the idea that “it’ll be better in a few years” is a hard pill to swallow when 3 or 4 years is already the majority of your life. What can I do about it?

—Almost single mom

Dear Almost Single,

I imagine your husband has had to work with his children without much discussion about his frequent absences. You both need to explain to your sons why Dad is not around much, that the needs of your home require him to work long hours, and that these circumstances do not reflect the importance he places on his family. The children will have a hard time understanding, but they need to hear it. Your husband also needs to work to make the limited time he does have with his children as meaningful as possible; he needs to create rituals that involve only his children and stick to them consistently. This may mean that when he is tired, he needs to persevere and make these moments count. Find ways for your husband to communicate with the children remotely; he can check in with them via FaceTime or texting selfies during his workday. Your son resents his father’s absence because he finds it abnormal; Let him know that there are families where both parents work long hours and the children are left in the care of others. Hopefully, by increasing the quality of time he spends with the children, your husband will bring your son some semblance of peace.

—Jamilah

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