The common gift we give to little girls that teaches them to be quiet

We all want our little girls to be successful and fulfilled in whatever they choose to do. But some of our unconscious actions can have the opposite effect on our daughters and granddaughters: teaching them to keep quiet.

As a parent, you may be giving your child something that is preventing them from expressing themselves fully. So what is it?

On the Open Relationship: Transforming Together podcast, host Andrea Miller sat down with writer Rebecca Woolf to discuss the common gift we give young girls that teaches them to keep quiet: the locked diary.

What We Teach Girls When We Give Them a Locked Diary

It seems like most little girls have a diary so they can write down their feelings and lock them away. After all, we probably wrote down all our thoughts and feelings before locking them away. It was a place where we could confess our deepest, darkest secrets.

“I realized,” Woolf, a mother of four, told the hosts, “that the locked diary wasn’t there to protect me. It was there to protect everyone.”

As parents or other adults in girls’ lives, we need to ask ourselves, “Who is this for? What is the purpose here? Why are our little girls being taught to hide?”

You’re probably thinking, “That’s okay. They’re little girls, what feelings are they really writing in there…and don’t we all need a place to vent?” And you’re not wrong. But without proper context and accountability, what do you think that gift translates into as they grow up?

Woolf explains that this teaches them to “be secretive, to be quiet, to be silent. If you need to write something down, so much the better. Just lock it up in a diary. Keep it here. Keep it inside.”

This is dangerous because it can cause your daughter to not come to you when it matters most. By keeping it all in this little journal, she may distance herself when she realizes that her feelings are meant to be expressed so she can find support and advice.

Over the years, this turns into a dangerous vicious cycle, which can lead to generational trauma where no one can express their emotions. Why? Because they were taught to be ashamed of them. To lock them away.

Miller explains, “It’s like these norms are passed down from generation to generation.” She continues, “It takes a very strong will and a lot of intention to say, ‘OK, this stops with me.'”