BoyMoms and BoyDads: What We Can Learn from Ruth Whippman and Richard Reeves About Sex, Power, and Parenting

“It’s a boy!” or “It’s a girl!” are often the first words spoken after a baby is born. Most of us don’t remember those words when we are born, and those of us who are parents will never forget those words when one of our children is born. My wife, Carlin, and I have six children, seventeen grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren. Sex and gender issues have always been important to me, as they have been to most people.

Before the publication of his book, Boys and Men: Why Modern Man is in Trouble, Why It Matters, and What to Do About It by Richard V. Reeves, I received an advance copy for review. The book’s preface is titled “Worried Dad to Worried Wonk” and Reeves begins by saying,

I’ve been worried about boys and men for 25 years. It’s normal when you’re raising three boys, all grown men. George, Bryce, Cameron: I love you beyond measure. That’s why, even now, I worry about you sometimes.

Reeves goes on to say:

But my anxiety has spilled over into my day job. I work as a research fellow at the Brookings Institution, and I focus primarily on equality of opportunity, or the lack thereof. Until now, I have been mostly interested in divisions of class and race. But I am increasingly concerned about gender inequality, and perhaps not in the way you might expect. It has become clear to me that more and more boys and men are struggling in school, at work, and in their families. I used to worry about three boys and young men. Now I worry about millions more.

I also received an advance copy of Ruth Whippman’s new book, BoyMom: Reinventing Childhood in the Age of Impossible Masculinity. I did a podcast interview with Ruth which I’m including in this article.

Whippman begins the book with the following epigraphs that introduce readers to the book’s fundamental themes:

Boys need good self-esteem. They need love. And a wise and loving feminist policy can be the only basis for saving the lives of male children. Patriarchy will not cure them. If it did, they would all be fine. –bell hooks, Feminism is for everyone.

And now, cried Max, let the chaos begin. – Maurice Sendak, Where the wild natureThings are.

Whippman’s introduction is titled #MeToo Baby and begins with these words:

“I hope it’s a girl for your sake,” our mail carrier told me one morning as I sat on the doorstep, nine months pregnant, my two sons buzzing hyperactively around me. Her eyes flicked from my baby bump to my boys, who were playing a generic, mildly violent game with an essentialist soundtrack that went, “PEEYW PEYEW!! NEEEEEOOOWWWWWW!!! HIYUHHHH!!.” When I told her no, that our third child was another boy, she let out an involuntary whimper of sympathy.

Inspired by his own experiences as a father and policy expert, Richard Reeves founded the American Institute of Boys and Men (AIBM) in 2023 to raise awareness of the challenges facing boys and men today and to develop evidence-based solutions. Their research focuses on the following five areas:

Mental health

Boys and men are feeling increasingly alone and are at higher risk of suicide and ‘deaths of despair’. We shine a light on the men’s mental health crisis and seek urgent solutions.

Education and skills

By many measures, boys are falling significantly behind in their education. We explore the many factors that influence boys’ educational progress and outcomes.

Job

Men, particularly working-class men, face challenges in a changing global economy. We study the structural forces, including globalization, but also education and vocational training, that affect men in the labor market.

Black Boys and Men

At a time when all boys and men face new challenges in school, work, and family life, Black boys and men face particular systemic disadvantages. We pay special attention to their needs and challenges.

Fatherhood and family

Family life is changing, but fathers still play an important role. We explore the economic and cultural changes that affect boys and men at home and in their families.

Sex and Gender in Times of Social Confusion and Transformation

“I felt like society was fracturing along gender lines,” Whippman says. Conservatives rallied around men and came to their defense. #NotAllMen, they tweeted, willfully denying the systemic nature of the problem, even going so far as to claim that men were the real victims of #MeToo.

While Whippman acknowledges the problems with right-wing extremists, she also recognizes that liberals are also missing some important realities.

Liberals, my natural clan, have allied themselves with girls and women. In a strange politicization of gender itself, men and boys have become, as it were, the very symbol of conservative values, and women and girls that of progressive values.

She goes on to say:

While there have always been many conservative women and countless progressive men, as a political class, women began to represent change and hope, while men symbolized the status quo, injustice, and evil. It was, of course, a false dichotomy, but on a tribal level, it felt real. My tribe rejected my children. I found myself stuck on one side of the symbolic divide, with my own children on the other.

Sex, Power, and Partisanship: How Evolutionary Science Makes Sense of Our Political Divide

Dr. Hector A. Garcia is a clinician and has published extensively on evolutionary psychology. In his book, Sex, Power, and Partisanship: How Evolutionary Science Makes Sense of Our Political Divide He uses his years of experience to help us better understand sex, power and politics.

It describes well the forces our country faces.

The nerves of a nation begin to fray. The triumph of one group is met with the fear and bewilderment of another. Old prejudices resurface, new ones are invented. The masses succumb to irrational forces, whipped into a frenzy by politicians and the media. The nation is on the verge of self-devour.

These words could be from today’s headlines but are taken from the first chapter of Garcia’s book, Sex, Power and Partisanship which was published in 2019. He goes on to say:

The controversial election of Donald Trump as the forty-fifth president of the United States has polarized the United States more than at any other time in its contemporary history.

Dr. Garcia goes on to say:

To begin to understand this divide, let’s turn to an unlikely source of psychological insight: media pundits. American political commentator and talk show host Chris Mathews once described Republicans as the “party of dads” and Democrats as the “party of moms.” The Baltimore Sun, On May 14, 1991, Matthews went on to say:

Republicans protect us with a strong national defense; Democrats feed us with Social Security and Medicare. Republicans care about our business; Democrats care about our health, nutrition, and well-being. Republicans control the White House; Democrats provide a warm, caring presence on Capitol Hill…this is the traditional American family. Dad locks the door at night and brings home the bacon. Mom worries when the kids are sick and makes sure everyone is treated fairly. This division of authority and duty may seem an anachronism from a family perspective. Leave it to Beaver era, but it is an appropriate model for today’s political home.

Dr. Garcia quoted hard-line conservative commentator Ann Coulter, who boasted on Fox News,

I am more of a man than any liberal.

Issues of sex and gender color our lives, including current controversies over reproductive rights, gun violence, how we raise our children, and even who will become the next president of the United States.

I have been writing articles and books about sex and gender since my first book, Vice Versa: Becoming My Own Master was released in 1983. Since then, I have written sixteen other books, including my two most recent, 12 Rules for Good Men And Long live men! The Moonshot mission aims to heal men, close the life expectancy gap and offer hope to humanity.

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This message was Previously published on Menalive.com.

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Photo by Frank Rolando Romero on Unsplash

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