Is it bad that my group of friends is still Dutch?

DEAR MISS MANNERS:I have a number of friends that I meet up with regularly for meals out, as well as for friends’ birthdays.

We’ve been friends for almost 40 years, starting out after college when we were all starting our careers, paying off loans, and living on tight budgets.

Decades later, we still have the tradition of paying for our own meals, even on occasions like birthdays. The group still pays the birthday person’s bill, but we don’t consider these gatherings to be occasions where a “host” pays. Someone will simply text the group saying, “It’s Bob’s birthday on Tuesday, so where should we meet?”

If, for example, we celebrate an event by having a barbecue in someone’s garden, we all happily take part in the races.

Are we violating the principles of etiquette by continuing to meet under these conditions? We are all happy with these arrangements and, for us, it is the company that counts rather than the protocol regarding the settlement of the bill.

LOVED READER:You’ve all been friends for 40 years, your system works, you’re having fun, everything’s fine — so you’re seriously asking Miss Manners to come along and ruin everything?

Why would you want to do that?

Perhaps because you’ve heard about the prevalence of a la carte entertaining, where people extend what appear to be warm invitations – and then, once accepted, demand that guests provide a meal or pay. Yes, it’s a dirty trick that Miss Manners tried to stifle.

But it is the deception that makes this practice reprehensible. There is nothing wrong with people deciding to go out together and pay for their own meals, or to get together for a communal meal, where everyone contributes.

But there would be something wicked in a stranger condemning their pleasure.

DEAR MISS MANNERS:Is it considered necessary to write condolence notes following a death on specially designed cards?

I have given up on finding acceptable cards and instead use cards with flowers printed on the front, writing my message inside.

I would be interested in your thoughts. I imagine you might even have a suggestion on how I could safely change my practice.

LOVED READER:Not only comfortably, but also saving money and effort.

Condolence letters are serious letters that do not require any printed flourishes. It is strange to think that a mass-printed phrase – “Condolences” or, in the case of thank-you letters, “Thank you” – is better than a personal, handwritten note. On the contrary, it seems a bit corny, as if one were simply trying to respond in a standard way instead of writing from the heart.

So Miss Manners suggests that you save yourself the hassle of searching for pre-printed materials, take out a simple piece of paper (or one that simply has your name and/or address on it) and express your personal condolences to the bereaved person.

Please send your questions to Miss Manners at her website, www.missmanners.com; to her email, [email protected]; or by postal mail to Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.