Silence: The Great Communicator | Psychology Today

Source: Alfred Cristian Tudosa / Pixabay

Silence.

The word itself, sibilant and soft, seeks connection and understanding, just like we do.

Silence may be weaponized, sure—the silent treatment aptly earning a reputation as one of the most toxic communication strategies in existence. We’re implicitly and explicitly taught to fill “awkward silences” as good communicators. We may not consider silence an option unless we’re by ourselves. But what of silence’s positive? They are many.

Silence punctuates important points. Silence serves as a mic drop, underscoring what you said. Perhaps you’re stating a boundary or fact: “Sorry, I can’t take the trash out tonight. Please do it.” Saying more, offering an explanation, is long-winded and unnecessary—”I know I’ll be late. James leads exec. committee this afternoon and always goes over, then I’ll be stuck in traffic and late to dinner and have to stay late to make up for….” Long explanations come off as defensive, and defensiveness doesn’t support healthy communication. When you find yourself tending toward explanations, instead state your need and punctuate it with silence.

Silence abhors a vacuum. When another person finishes talking, we naturally take our turn. But what if we think there may be more to their story and want to hear? Be quiet. Because silence abhors a vacuum, the other person feels subtle pressure to go on, in greater depth. In an argument, we shouldn’t weaponize silence, but we can use it to draw out a partner. “I didn’t take the credit card, I swear!” your teen insists. Keep focusing on them, but silently, waiting just a few moments. They’re no longer sed without your immediate comeback and often, the deeper story spills out. Try it!

Silence is golden and respectful. We know the benefits of silence in mindfulness, self-reflection, good listening, and nonverbal communication (think of a warm hug or simple smile). When we’re quiet during conversation, we don’t expend energy formulating our next comment. We listen more attentively and don’t feel compelled to speak. The other person senses our attention and consideration. It’s appreciated.

Source: Artem/Pixabay

Silence is empathetic and need not be completely… silent. “Mmm!” is beautiful, and can easily be transformed to “Mm?” or “Mm-hm….” Anything you murmur with gently closed lips lets your communication partner know you’re attending to them, encouraging them to go on. “Mm-hm…” is a nonverbal, “tell me more?” You needn’t feel obliged to nod or murmur. If you’re simply and silently attending, they’ll say more. And they’ll feel seen and heard.

Silence is companionable. Once comfortable with silence, it offers one of the best untapped tools for healthy communication. Whether with family, at work meetings, or even at social events, whenever someone expects you to speak but you instead want to hear more before you do, try silence. It’s difficult—you may be surprised how wired you are to offer pithy verbal quips and rejoinders. You’ll find yourself jumping in with verbal responses at first. But, before long, some of your most precious moments—alone or with others—may well be silent.