Shell Shocked: The New Awakened | News, Sports, Jobs – SANIBEL-CAPTIVA

PHOTO SUPPLIED Art Stevens

In the murky green waters of the Florida Everglades, an unprecedented political wave is brewing. The inhabitants of this vibrant ecosystem aren’t known for their political ambitions, but this election cycle, things have taken a bizarre turn. Ladies and gentlemen, the candidates for public office are none other than, wait for it, alligators.

Yes, you heard right. Alligators. The same creatures who have been perfecting their poker faces since the Mesozoic era. But before you scoff, let me assure you that these scaly pretenders are bringing fresh swamp water to an otherwise stagnant political pool.

Al leads the charge “Alligator” Greene, a charismatic reptile whose campaign slogan, “In the swamp, for the swamp” became a rallying cry for his supporters. Al is no stranger to attention. With a toothy smile and a tail slap that could destroy a mangrove swamp, he promises to be a force for change. Its platform? Universal access to sunbathing spots, increased funding for public nesting areas, and a robust plan to combat the invasive Burmese python crisis.

But Al isn’t the only one vying for a seat. There’s Carla Chompers, a passionate advocate for marsh diversity. His campaign is rooted in the belief that the Everglades is a melting pot of species and that every creature deserves to be represented – from the smallest mosquito to the largest bullfrog. Carla’s debates are legendary. She once silenced an opponent with a single, well-timed snap of her jaw, reminding everyone that when Carla speaks, everyone listens.

And then there is the underdog, or rather the undergator, Tommy. “Little teeth” Thompson. Tommy is neither the biggest nor the baddest alligator in the swamp, but what he lacks in size he makes up for in tenacity. His platform is all about the little guy – er, alligator. Tommy advocates for fair regulation of fishing and has an innovative plan to clean up the swamp’s waterways using an all-natural method: more alligators. “We are eating the problem” he says, with a twinkle in his eye that suggests he’s half-serious.

Critics obviously have reservations. Concerns have been raised about candidates’ potential conflicts of interest. For example, how can we trust Al “Alligator” Will Greene fairly address the issue of human-alligator conflict, given his obvious bias toward his own species? And what about logistics? How will these candidates even be able to attend meetings or sign legislation without giving opposable thumbs?

But perhaps the most pressing question is: why now? Why are alligators suddenly so interested in public office? Some believe it is a response to climate change and habitat destruction. As their habitats are increasingly threatened, these alligators are mobilizing to make their voices heard, or their whistles.

Their campaigns have certainly spiced up the local media scene. The Swamp Sentinel’s recent headline, “Eating the piece: alligators in politics”, attracted a record readership. Talk shows are having a field day, with segments like “Snap Judgment: Analysis of the Gator Vote.” » And let’s not forget viral memes. My favorite ? A doctored image of Al Greene in a suit and tie, holding a sign reading: “I’m with the Herpetofauna.”

Despite the humor and skepticism, there is a poignant lesson in all of this. The alligator candidates are a reminder that democracy, in its truest form, means every voice has a chance to be heard — even if that voice comes from a creature more accustomed to hisses and growls. And maybe, just maybe, their participation will inspire us to think about the broader implications of our policies for all inhabitants of our shared environments.

So, as Election Day approaches, let’s keep an open mind. Sure, their methods may be unconventional and their policies may require some translation from swamp language to human law, but these alligators bring passion and determination. After all, in a world where politics often feels like a circus, why not throw in a few alligators for good measure?

Ultimately, whether Al, Carla or Tommy wins the crown – or, more accurately, the swamp throne – one thing is certain: This election will go down in history as the year the alligators decided it was was their turn to rule the swamp. . And who knows? Maybe they’ll do a better job than humans ever did.

Art Stevens is a longtime columnist for the Sanibel-Captiva Islander. His ironic humor is always offered with a smile.