“I don’t want to be unfair”: My mother gave me $150,000 to buy a house. One of my siblings wants to own 15%. Now what?

By Quentin Fottrell

“I don’t want to be unfair to my brothers and sisters, but I don’t want them to own a share in my house either.”

Dear Quentin,

I have a question regarding my mother’s money and how it should be managed.

I am one of four siblings. We all live in different places. A few years ago, my mother decided to move to a smaller place closer to my home. My siblings were (and still are) all in favor of this move.

When my mother moved, we decided to sell my house and buy a new home with more land to build an ADU for my mother. To buy the new house and build the ADU, my mother gave me $50,000 for a down payment and another $100,000 to build the ADU. The rest of the money came from my savings, the equity from the sale of my old house, and a mortgage that I am paying off. Based on the money we put toward the new house, my mother paid 15% of the purchase price.

My mother has an investment account and she has set up the account so that if anything happens to her, each of the four of us will receive 25% of the account. There should be a decent amount left in the account, barring any unforeseen circumstances.

Instructions in the mother’s will

My mother also had a will that my house would be mine outright and not included in her estate. I suggested to my mother that she give me a smaller percentage of her investment account to offset the money she gave me to buy the new house and build the ADU. She declined. She thinks it’s fair since I moved out for her and will take care of her when she’s older. She also mentioned that she sometimes helps my siblings out with money.

One of my sisters is aware of this arrangement and agrees to it. However, she says that another sister is upset about this situation and feels that the estate should be entitled to a 15% interest in my house (which has grown significantly and will likely continue to grow as I live in a high cost of living area).

I don’t want to be unfair to my siblings, but I also don’t want them to have an interest in my house. Should I leave it as is? Should I revisit this with my mother, and if so, what should I suggest? Should I take a lower percentage of the accounts now? Should I “pay back” the estate for the down payment or for the ADU construction? Should the estate get a portion of the appreciation in my house or interest on their money?

Thank you for considering my letter.

Grateful Girl

Related: “I’m torn”: I have two sons, one a hard worker with kids and the other a “carefree” actor. Should I leave more money to the “family man” in my will?

Dear daughter,

With four siblings, you will probably have four different opinions. Everyone is entitled to their opinion. You can acknowledge this Greek refrain and tell your siblings that you have heard their point of view and respect their feelings. However, this does not obligate you or anyone reading this letter to do anything other than what you have always planned to do. The mistake people often make in families is to believe that it takes a battle of wills that lasts for years because one sibling’s opinions and feelings are not taken into account by the others.

What does this mean for you? It’s very simple, really. You made a deal with your mother to live with her and be nearby in case she needed you, and you moved out so that you could both have a place big enough to live together. This is not an invitation to your siblings or even your next-door neighbor to weigh in on what should happen to your mother’s estate when she’s gone. If your mother contributed 15% of the cost of your house, that’s her choice. She did it without any coercion and she’s of sound mind. That’s a good deal.

Your mother’s bank account and estate are not an open book for third parties to analyze. It is her money, her home, and her business. She may consider this money to be de facto rent for the time she spends there ($150,000 divided by the number of months you and she share your property) or she may simply consider it a gift. If it was not stated that it was a loan and you did not sign a notarized loan agreement, it was legally a gift. You may, by all means, check with your mother and make sure she agrees to the arrangement.

Your mother did everything right, from what you say in your letter. She made sure that her share went to you when she died. She could also create a transfer on death deed so that the property goes directly to you when she dies. As long as you entered into this agreement freely and happily, and did so under the guidance of a real estate attorney, it is time to look forward to this new chapter and enjoy all the good times you had with your mother. You will not get that time back. It is worth much more than 15%.

The Moneyist regrets that it cannot respond to letters individually.

Other columns by Quentin Fottrell:

“We shared all our property before we got married”: My husband inherited his parents’ house and didn’t put my name on the deed. What can I do?

“He’s 70 and quite wealthy”: I met the love of my life three years ago. How can I politely ask him to include me in his will?

“I’m Guilty of Helping Too Much”: My Married, Adult Son Constantly Demands Money. How Can I Stop His Abuse?

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-Quentin Fottrell

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